Friday, October 28, 2011

"I won't back down." -Tom Petty

My life has been utterly changed for the better for which I will forever be grateful.  For the first month that I was in Florence I spent the majority of my time trying to find a way out.  And thanks to Stephen's love and support, a little faith in God, and an open mind...well, here I am.

Let me back up so I can take the long way around this story:  When I started undergraduate school, I did so with the intention of majoring in English and I had dreams of being a teacher.  By the end of the first semester of my freshman year I had put such aspirations aside to pursue other areas of study, namely politics and religion.  After a year of rigorous study, I decided that being a student of religion was not my cup of tea.  As with English, I set it aside and pursued politics with a vengeance.  And then I came to Italy...

One thing that most people probably don't know about me is that my guilty pleasure has always been art.  As a child, I was always trying to draw something.  I hated coloring books because I liked creating my own images.  When I was in high school, I took as many art classes as I could and when I was 17 my high school art teacher, the brilliant and loveable Mrs. Mary Sederburg introduced me to the Italian Renaissance.  I soon became entranced by the wonder and majesty of Michelangelo Buonarroti (Italian sculptor, painter, architect, poet, and all around great guy).  In a nutshell, art history is my baby and I like to spend my spare time (which I never have enough of) studying it.  However, I have never really entertained the idea of making a career out of art history because it seemed to me a selfish aspiration.  I would think to myself, "What good am I doing mankind by spending my life looking at a bunch of paintings and sculptures?"  But, coming to Italy has opened my eyes to the reality that I cannot put out the flame in my soul that is now burning passionately for art.  Art is my first and last love and from this day forward I shall devote my years to being a scholar of beauty and form.  And, when the time comes for me to appear before God (the only being whose judgment means anything to me), I will have the comfort of knowing that I will have chosen the path best suited to the calling of my heart.

Michelangelo Buonarroti, 1475-1564
If you don't agree that he is truly the master of the Renaissance, you either don't understand him or your don't have taste.  :) :) :)

 Now, I want everyone to know that simply because I am leaving behind my political aspirations (for now), it does not mean that I will no longer be active within my community.  To put it delicately, I am one liberal piece of work and just because I am changing careers does not mean that I am going to shut up.  So, to my conservative friends I leave you with the following words:  you haven't seen the last of me.  We are blessed to live in a democracy and failure to participate in this process (regardless of ideology) is, in my opinion, a form of mass suicide.  So, even if you don't vote for President Obama in 2012, make sure you vote.  VOTE!

So, here I sit:  a once budding political activist turned art historian in training.  I am already looking at graduate schools, thinking of getting both my M.A. and Ph.D. in Art History specializing in the Italian Renaissance.  I am even thinking that I want to be a professor at a college when it's all said and done.  So, once again, I want to be a teacher!  It's funny how things work out and I couldn't be happier.  I know, of course, that the road ahead is long but, like Michelangelo, I will not back down.  I am going to get up every day and come out swinging, hammer and chisel in hand (figuratively speaking) and pursue the beautiful.

Four words:  I.  LOVE.  MY.  LIFE.

Or as the Italian's would say, "La vita e bella."  (The life is beautiful).

   Pieta', Michelangelo Buonarroti, Marble, 1498-1499, St. Peter's Basilica, Vatican City
The Libyan Sibyl, Michelangelo Buonarroti, Fresco, ca 1508-1512, Sistine Chapel Ceiling, Vatican City

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

"Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours." -Richard Bach

I think it is very human to desire consistency.  All of us like having some form of a routine.  However, some of us allow this desire to control our happiness and sanity.  In the past couple of weeks, I have discovered that I am one of those people.  And the beautiful thing about my discovery is that I have the power to change this aspect of myself if I truly want to.  At least, I think I have the power.  I love consistency.  I need consistency.  But, let me take a few steps back and explain what it is that I mean by "consistency;" I realize that thus far I haven't really explained that part.

For my part, consistency means the absence of change.  I don't like it when things drastically change.  I like things to stay the same so that, to the best of my ability, I always know what is going to happen next.  This also offers me a sense of security.  When I don't have consistency, I don't feel safe.  When I don't feel safe, I feel scared.  When I feel scared, I withdraw into myself.  When I withdraw into myself, all the little demons and and angels in my head start to bicker and I feel as if I'm going insane.  But, this condition, this preference for consistency does not have to control my life.

One of the reasons that I came to Italy was because I wanted to become a better person.  In truth, we all have problems, but anyone who has known me for the past two years of undergraduate school knows that  I have been, for lack of better words, really messed up.  Looking back, I realize that it all started when I first moved to Cedar Rapids.  Moving to Cedar Rapids definitely turned my world upside down.  Everything was different from what I was used to: I didn't know anyone, the bed that I had to sleep in every night was not  my own, the city smelled funny, I had recently come out of the closet, etc.  Basically, everything changed.  And how did I  react?  Over the course of my first two years at Coe, I panicked.  I cried.  I screamed.  And I did other things that I would prefer not to discuss here.  But, more than anything, I found consistency in order to survive.  I established a routine so as to feel safe and not go insane.  But, here's the kicker: every few months things would change again.  My classes would change, my professors would change, the weather would change, etc.  Summers were the worst because it required that I find a job and a place to live.  I didn't have classes and everything would change again.  And every time I would experience these changes, the same cycle of panic and fear would commence.  So, basically, every three or four months  I would go through this and as a result, my depression - which I have battled since I was 14 - would only get worse.

Coming to Italy would be the biggest change in my life yet, and I knew that.  I think that deep down I wanted to come here so that I could both experience a break in consistency and challenge myself to deal with it.  In truth, I think I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it.  It's taken me a while, but I think I am beginning to come out swinging.  I am taking that monster that is consistency and beating it down.

Here's a brief breakdown of my experience so far:

1.  The first month was hell.  I experienced drastic changes to my environment.  I was faced with a different language and living with an Italian family who neither new a single thing about me, nor could they understand me when I would try to speak.  I missed Stephen (as I still do) and desired nothing more than to come home.  I hated the bus system.  I didn't know anyone.  I couldn't find my favorite cigarettes anywhere.  EVERYTHING WAS DIFFERENT just as it was when I first moved to Cedar Rapids.  Even the sirens on the ambulances and police cars sounded different and it drove me crazy!  And, I reacted as I always have in such situations:  I cried and screamed.  I panicked and withdrew into myself.  Whenever possible, I would shut myself in my bedroom, lay on my bed, and I would start to breath very heavily and feel my heart rate shoot through the roof.



2.  The past few weeks I started to take note of the changes in my environment and my reactions to them.  After all, my month-long panic attack had ended.  I was finally "okay."  But how?

3.  And over the passed few days I have found an answer to this question:  consistency.  I did it again!  After experiencing drastic changes in my life, I had the same negative reactions - as always -  and not until I found consistency did I feel safe.  Not until I felt safe did I stop being scared.  Not until I stopped being scared did I come out of my room and make valid attempts to communicate with my host family.  

I CANNOT LIVE MY LIFE THIS WAY.

How did I find consistency in Italy?  By doing little things every day in exactly the same way until they became a routine.  Every morning, I would eat breakfast at promptly 8 A.M.  Two cups of coffee, two slices of bread with Nutella, and two biscotti with my coffee.  Then I would take a shower that lasted no longer than 7 minutes. After, I would leave my apartment and walk to school, always taking the same roads, walking on the same side of the street, etc.  For lunch, I always ate grapes and crackers.  (Although, I should take a moment and draw attention to the fact that I am a "poor" college student and eating a lunch of such simplicity is partly a way for me to be fiscally conservative with my budget).  After class, if I didn't have anything else to do, I would walk home and shut myself in my room until dinner - which always commenced at promptly 8 P.M. - only leaving my room when I wanted to smoke.

This week is fall break.  Today is Wednesday.  I have exactly 52 days before Stephen and my parents meet me at the Chicago airport.  In my head, this translates into, "I have 52 days before I can be in Stephen's arms again.  52 days to grow.  52 days to become a better man."  And because it's fall break this week and I am like the only student who stayed in Florence, I have taken some steps.  Yesterday, I ate four slices of bread at breakfast instead of my usual two; today I had three.  Sunday, I walked home by way of roads that I have never walked before.  Last night after dinner, I watched the Italian news with my host family.  I did all of these things just to prove to myself that I could. When I think about it, desiring consistency in EVERY LITTLE THING is a really foolish thing because it's impossible.  This world is constantly changing.  I think God made it that way so that we would have a methodology by which to grow.  And do you know what?  His method is working.  I can do this.  I can survive change.  I can survive this world.  I can be happy.

And do you know what's really funny?  When I look at my life, I realize that I have experienced a lot of changes that were GOOD.  For example, I met Stephen, the love of my life.  That was a huge change, and yet he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I also got to be a part of the generation that elected Barack Obama president of the United States.  That, too, was a huge change.  And it was a good change.

So, here I am:  An Iowan by birth and a Florentine by choice;  a student of the universe and a teacher to myself.  I can do this.  It's going to be okay.  And now, I think I am going to hop in the shower and then walk into the city and do some research.  I'm meeting my professor later to discuss Michelangelo and his poetry.  Afterward?  Who knows!

Talk about a break in consistency!  Look at my new hair! 

Saturday, October 1, 2011

“I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.” -William Allen White

One of the many "streets" in Venice.  Why doesn't it look like a street?  Because Venice really doesn't have them.  They prefer boats over cars, and canals over streets.  :)

Since we last spoke, I have been to Venice, my classes have started, and I was pooped on by pigeon.  All and all, things are going well.  Venice was beautiful, truly.  However, I could never live there.  Why?  Three words:  TOO MUCH WATER.  While I loved the absence of cars, the fact that Venice is located along the Adriatic Sea means that trees, grass, and the woodlands that I adore are in short supply.  So, it was worth visiting, and I will definitely go back with Stephen at some point, but I am in no hurry to plant my flag there.  How could I?  There's nothing to plant it in!

Anyway, here's a brief run-through of the highlights of the past week:

The Curious Case of Pigeon Poop

Like a gift from above, while sitting in Piazza San Marco (Venice) a darling pigeon decided that I looked pretty enough to crap on.  When I told my professor, she exclaimed, "Oh my!  That is wonderful!"  Noticing the look on my face which said, "What planet are your from?" she explained to me that in Italy, when a pigeon poops on you it brings good luck.  I guess when you think about it, it kind of makes sense.  I mean, of all the people in San Marco that day, that pigeon picked me out.  I must be pretty special.  Well, actually, I don't know about that, but I do have to give the pigeon some credit:  it's poop happened to coordinate with my outfit that day. At least my little feathered friend has a sense of fashion.

The Wishing Tree

While in Venice, I stumbled upon a wishing tree (one of the few trees I found).  How does it work?  It's really very simple.  Basically, the tree is an olive tree and all you do is write your wish on a little slip of paper and then hang it on one of the branches.  Naturally, I made a wish.  I wished that "Stephen and I will let our love carry us to a ripe old age."  Kind of sappy, I know.  But, I can't help it.  I'm a romantic.  :)

 My wish.  <3

Sometimes, Art Makes Me Cry

While in Venice, I visited the Galleria d' Accademia where I stumbled upon a painting by Francesco Hayez entitled "Armida and Rinaldo."  I had never heard of Hayez before, but after seeing this painting, I can honestly say that he is hands down one of my favorite painters.  

The story behind the painting (courtesy of Wikipedia):
"The story of Armida, a Saracen sorceress and Rinaldo, a soldier in the First Crusade, was created by the Italian poet Torquato Tasso. In his epic Gerusalemme liberata, Rinaldo is a fierce and determined warrior who is also honorable and handsome. Armida has been sent to stop the Christians from completing their mission and is about to murder the sleeping soldier, but instead she falls in love. She creates an enchanted garden where she holds him a lovesick prisoner. Eventually two of his fellow Crusaders find him and hold a shield to his face, so he can see his image and remember who he is. Rinaldo barely can resist Armida’s pleadings, but his comrades insist that he return to his Christian duties."

As soon as I set my eyes on this masterpiece, I was moved to tears.  The emotion in the eyes of of the two protagonists was so intense that I couldn't move my feet.  I stood in awe before it for at least 15 minutes and did not want to move.  It was so beautiful to me that I could have stared at it all day......


"Armida and Rinaldo" by Francesco Hayez.  Trust me, unless you see it in person, you probably will have no idea why I am so fascinated by it.

My Classes...

...are amazing.  I'm learning a lot about a little bit of everything and I'm staying busy.  Oh, and let me just say that someday I want to be like Dr. Gail Solberg (one of my professors).  The woman is amazing.  Enough said.

Well, I have a busy day ahead of me so I had better get moving.  It's 01 October and I am so pumped! 


Thursday, September 22, 2011

"If you're walking down the right path and you're willing to keep walking, eventually you'll make progress." --Barack Obama

Funniest moment of my adventure so far?  Wait for it.....you're going to love this!  Today was the last day of my "beginner" Italian course.  Naturally, there was a huge final exam (which kicked my butt) and we all had to give a five-minute speech (all in Italian) explaining what our favorite things about Florence have been thus far.  When it was my turn, I stood up and opened with a line telling everyone good morning (Buongiorno!) and then expressing how much I have enjoyed learning Italian for the past few weeks.  However, I made a huge mistake.  Apparently, in Italian, you have to be very careful when you say that you "enjoy" something.  The word that I used translated into "I have enjoyed having sex..."  So, basically, the entire class howled in laughter when my professor stopped me mid-sentence and explained that I had just told everyone that I have enjoyed having sex for the past few weeks.  I was so embarrassed!  Obviously that was not what I wanted to say!

Go ahead....laugh.....okay?  Good.  :)

ANYWAY...

Thoughts on Life

I'm not really sure what I think right now.  For the past few days I have been so depressed and grumpy that I avoided posting anything to my blog; today has been the first day that I have felt like saying anything.  I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and she said it perfectly when she told me, "A lot of students imagine that studying abroad will be nothing but glam and a good time and as a result they fail to realize the reality."  And do you know what?  She is so right!  The reality is this:  studying abroad is hard.  I think that it is perhaps the hardest thing I have ever done.  I won't even begin to list everything that is, and has been, heavy on my heart.  Every day has been a challenge for me, in one way or another. 
Lately I've been walking home instead of taking the bus because I have found that it is very relaxing.  It's good exercise and it gives me a good 30 minutes to clear my head.  Some days, I don't think about anything at all.  I just focus on walking:  right, left, right, left, cross the street, right, left, right, left....
If this experience is teaching me anything it is definitely teaching me how to be more independent.  I have never felt more alone and yet I need to avoid breaking down and going crazy more than ever.  As I have said before, Stephen is serving as my greatest strength.  He is my rock, that extra little push that I need in order to keep moving.  It would be so easy to just give up, but I can't do that.  I want to make him proud.  I want our love to become stronger.  I want to come home to him in victory and not defeat.  I'm going to do this and I'll be damned if I'm going to give up.

Well, I hate to make this quick but I really do have to run.  Tomorrow I leave for Venice and my bust leaves at 7:30 A.M.  So, until next week!

Ciao!

 
 




Tuesday, September 13, 2011

"Love is immortality." -Emily Dickinson

Today was magical; today gave me the kind of feeling that made me feel all warm inside.

Yesterday, mi professoro gave us an assignment:  write a short presentation about your favorite book to share with the class.  Below is what I wrote, in l'italiano:

"Il mio libro del cuore e' 'Leave Behind Me Stesso.'
Autore:  Bart Yates.


Il libro racconta la storia di un givovane di nome Noah, che si innamora di un altro giovane di nome J.D.  Si tratta di una semplice storia di formazione che permette al lettore di seguire Noah e' J.D. come imparano a lasciare che il loro amore servono come il lora piu grande forza come coraggiosi le tempeste di un mondo crudele e meschino.
Mi piache perche quando ho letto il libro mi vedo.  Ho sperimentato un sacco di dolore stesso e finche non ho incontrato il mio ragazzo, non avero mai provato l'amore.  La storia mi ha dato la speranza che l'amore esistera anche quando io non ci credero."


When I finished, mi professor looked at me with a twinkle in his eyes and said,
"Please, read to us in English."

I gave him a puzzled look, worried that perhaps my Italian was poorly written.

Then he said, "You have a message that we all need to hear.  Please, share with us."

So, I read it all again, this time in my native tongue:

"My favorite book is 'Leave Myself Behind.'
Author:  Bart Yates


The book tells the story of a young man named Noah who falls in love with another young man named J.D.  It is a simple coming-of-age story that allows the reader to follow Noah and J.D. as they learn to let their love serve as their greatest strength as they brave the storms of a cruel and small-minded world.  
I like the book because when I read it, I see myself.  I have experienced a lot of the same pain and until I met my boyfriend, I had never experienced love.  The story gave me hope that love existed even when I didn't believe it."


The cover of "Leave Myself Behind."  Add it to your reading list!


When I finished, for the second time, the entire class burst into applause.  I felt like I really belonged here for the first time since I arrived in Florence.

"Footprints in the Sand" by the wonderful Leona Lewis.  I told Stephen before I left that I want to play this at our wedding.  <3

The best part?  Getting to practice my Italian while also getting the chance to brag about what a wonderful man I have waiting for me back home!  :)


On a side note, the inside of the cathedral at Siena was breathtaking!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

"The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time." -Abraham Lincoln

I have a reached a point where I'm comfortable and bitter.  I am comfortable with the Florence bus system, but I detest how crowded and slow it is; I am comfortable with saying "Good Morning," but I can't remember how to say what I did yesterday.  It's frustrating.  In so many ways I am unhappy here and I have spent the last few days asking myself why I chose to come on this adventure.  It's only week three, and already I'm bored and sick of the routine:  eat, sleep, and go to class; go here, go there, and spend money.  If I have a free day, everyone else seems to want to go out of town or  go shopping.  Am I the only one on a budget?  There is more to life than consuming material items and yet that seems to be what most people want to do.  It gets old really fast.
However, despite this bad taste in my mouth, I am trying to have faith in God; I am trying to have faith  that my life is unfolding as it should and that I am in Florence, Italy for a reason.  I have come to terms with being away from Stephen (I know he'll be waiting for me when I get back).  It doesn't mean that I don't miss him every day, it just means that I am not crying myself to sleep every night anymore.
Since my last post, I have visited both Pisa and Siena.  Pisa was...Pisa;  a leaning tower, a cathedral, and a bunch of souvenir shops.  The tower was cool even though I have seen it before, but it lost its luster after about five minutes.  (See what I mean?  I'm bitter.).  Siena, on the other hand, was rather enjoyable. I think it has been my favorite place that we have visited so far (despite the fact that every time we pass a building or a statue we have to have a 20-minute discussion about it).  I am coming to loath the phrase, "Now, let's stop here for just a MINUTE."  I understand that I am on an educational excursion, but I am more of an independent learner.  I don't mind hearing a few historical facts here and there, but when I go into a cathedral or pass by a statue, I like to take it all in at my own pace in my own mind.  ANYWAY, truly, Siena was great.  I think what I liked about it most was that it didn't have the big-city, playboy atmosphere that Florence has.  There are shops, but they are very small and quaint.  There are virtually no cars, only bikes.  It's quiet and peaceful.  And there is a general absence of the stench of consumerism.  I like that.
Well, tomorrow is Monday and I am THRILLED.  I mean, I can't even contain my excitement!  I'm being sarcastic, of course.  Although, I guess when you think about, tomorrow is one step closer to the future.  No, let me rephrase that:  tomorrow IS the future.  Hopefully, the future will be a bit sweeter, but I will only know if I take it in slowly, one day at a time.

The cemetery at the church of San Miniato.  I wonder if the statue is as tired as I am of being stuck in the same place?  If I asked her that she would probably say, "But, I have no choice.  I am only made of stone.  You are human.  If you don't like where you're at, you can go elsewhere."  She would be right, of course.  One...day...at...a...time.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

"Desired Things"

http://twinkletoes2013.blogspot.com/2011/09/desired-things.htmlTo put it simply, I am not happy.  I miss Stephen and I miss our apartment.  I miss eating Hamburger Helper and Chicken Alfredo on the nights that I have to work late (because that's what he cooks best).  I miss our balcony, and the rickety wooden chair that I sit on every morning while I drink my coffee and smoke my first cigarette of the day.  I miss so many things and I want to come home. 

But, last night I talked to Stephen.  He listened and he understood.  And, being the amazing man that he is, he said to me, "Suck it up, babe."

He is my rock, the stability that I desperately cling to.  God, I love him so.....



"Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender

be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy."

-Max Ehrmann 

I've spent a lot of my free time in cathedrals and other holy places.  It helps me find some peace.